Friday, September 21, 2007

Passive to active.

Saw 'benny & joon' on tv and was amazed by jhonny depp's elegant performance. he has an amazing skill to steal the show with his looks and performance. i was glad to discover the amazing artist in him. until then i had known him only for his comic role in pirates of the carribean and non-charismatic roles in 'finding neverland' and 'choclat'.

i feel that internet is no forum to make relationships, atleast not for me. i find it very exhausting to have a conversation with a frnd i had made online. for example wen i want to say something to frnd , whom i personally know, i wld know how to tell it to him and how he wld take it. But this not being the case with online frnds, i end up either not saying evrything i want to say or end up saying something and eliciting unexpected responses. so i think i shld stick to using intrnet to stay in tuch with ppl whom i have knwn personally.

Saw a german movie 'anatomy'. it was called a 'horror movie' in wiki, but i did not feel any 'horror' in it. i am saying this not to discredit the film maker or the critic who called it a 'horror' movie but to tell that something else in it. i saw and saw with a sense of admiration at how a bunch of very intelligent ppl can behave in as many different ways. i love intelligence, for it opens the door to a very interesting wrld.

today is my b'day. Thanx to orkut and b'day reminders, got many of my frnds to wish me on the occasion. its a day wen i tend to feel spl. i tend to think i deserve only the best trtmnt today. i tend to believe i can count on the love of everyone who wishes me on this day. i love this day. i tend to feel its my day.

I see that i ve been blogging more freqly in the recent past... and that i m blogging mostly abt my fascinations, feeling of being carried away and my moments of truth. i wish to keep these passive things at bay and devote my energy to something more 'active'. Which, i guess, means i wld be blogging less freqly, if at all i do. I tend to think mind prints of 'passive things' on time sand need to be recorded, for otherwise they may get erased. That's not the case with active things, i believe. Let's see.

i tend to think that this blog has served its purpose ( ? ) . i dint knw it had one wen i started. In this blog, i have mostly talked things out with myself, shared my trials and tribulations, shared my passions, misgivings, my moments wen i felt better. All these have helped me evolve. i think that this blog, provided its looked at in the r8 way, reflects that process of evolution- evolution of curing myself of a certain influence/s.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Why i am an atheist? - Bagat Singh

The following is the work of Bagth Singh. I admire this work for the sincerity of a mind that talks things out with itself eventually expressing the beauty of a mind.

A new question has cropped up. Is it due to vanity that I do not believe in the existence of an omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient God? I had never imagined that I would ever have to confront such a question. But conversation with some friends has given me, a hint that certain of my friends, if I am not claiming too much in thinking them to be so-are inclined to conclude from the brief contact they have had with me, that it was too much on my part to deny the existence of God and that there was a certain amount of vanity that actuated my disbelief. Well, the problem is a serious one. I do not boast to be quite above these human traits. I am a man and nothing more. None can claim to be more. I also have this weakness in me. Vanity does form a part of my nature. Amongst my comrades I was called an autocrat. Even my friend Mr. B.K. Dutt sometimes called me so. On certain occasions I was decried as a despot. Some friends do complain and very seriously too that I involuntarily thrust my opinions upon others and get my proposals accepted. That this is true up to a certain extent, I do not deny. This may amount to egotism. There is vanity in me in as much as our cult as opposed to other popular creeds is concerned. But that is not personal. It may be, it is only legitimate pride in our cult and does not amount to vanity. Vanity or to be more precise "Ahankar" is the excess of undue pride in one's self. Whether it is such an undue pride that has led me to atheism or whether it is after very careful study of the subject and after much consideration that I have come to disbelieve in God, is a question that I, intend to discuss here. Let me first make it clear that egotism and vanity are two different things.
In the first place, I have altogether failed to comprehend as to how undue pride or vain-gloriousness could ever stand in the way of a man in believing in God. I can refuse to recognize the greatness of a really great man provided I have also achieved a certain amount of popularity without deserving it or without having possessed the qualities really essential or indispensable for the same purpose. That much is conceivable. But in what way can a man believing in God cease believing due to his personal vanity? There are only two Ways. The man should either begin to think himself a rival of God or he may begin to believe himself to be God. In neither case can he become a genuine atheist. In the first case he does not even deny the existence of his rival. In the second case as well he admits the existence of a conscious being behind the screen guiding all the movements of nature. It is of no importance to us whether he thinks himself to be that supreme being or whether he thinks the supreme conscious being to be somebody apart from himself. The fundamental is there. His belief is there. He is by no means an atheist. Well, here I am I neither belong to the first category nor to the second.
I deny the very existence of that Almighty Supreme being. Why I deny it shall be dealt with later on. Here I want to clear one thing, that it is not vanity that has actuated me to adopt the doctrines of atheism. I am neither a rival nor an incarnation nor the Supreme Being Himself. One point is decided, that it is not vanity that has led me to this mode of thinking. Let me examine the facts to disprove this allegation. According to these friends of mine I have grown vain-glorious perhaps due to the undue popularity gained during the trials-both Delhi Bomb and Lahore conspiracy cases. Well, let us see if their premises are correct. My atheism is not of so recent origin. I had stopped believing in God when I was an obscure young man, of whose existence my above mentioned friends were not even aware. At least a college student cannot cherish any short of undue pride which may lead him to atheism. Though a favorite with some professors and disliked by certain others, I was never an industrious or a studious boy. I could not get any chance of indulging in such feelings as vanity. I was rather a boy with a very shy nature, who had certain pessimistic dispositions about the future career. And in those days, I was not a perfect atheist. My grand-father under whose influence I was brought up is an orthodox Arya Samajist. An Arya Samajist is anything but an atheist. After finishing my primary education I joined the DAV. School of Lahore and stayed in its Boarding House for full one year. There, apart from morning and evening prayers, I used to recite "Gayatri Mantra" for hours and hours. I was a perfect devotee in those days. Later on I began to live with my father. He is a liberal in as much as the orthodoxy of religions is concerned. It was through his teachings that I aspired to devote my life to the cause of freedom. But he is not an atheist. He is a firm believer. He used to encourage me for offering prayers daily. So, this is how I was brought up. In the Non-Co-operation days I joined the National College. it was there that I began to think liberally and discuss and criticize all the religious problems, even about God. But still I was a devout believer. By that time I had begun to preserve the unshorn and unclipped long hair but I could never believe in the mythology and doctrines of Sikhism or, any other religion. But I had a firm faith in God's existence.
Later on I joined the revolutionary party. The first leader with whom I came in contact, though not convinced, could not dare to deny the existence of God. On my persistent inquiries about God, he used to say, "Pray whenever you want to". Now this is atheism less courage required for the adoption of that creed. The second leader with whom I came in contact was a firm believer. Let me mention his name-respected comrade Sachindra Nath Sanyal, now undergoing life transportation in connexion with the Karachi conspiracy case. From the every first page of his famous and only book, "Bandi Jivan" (or Incarcerated Life), the Glory of God is sung vehemently. In the last page of the second part of that beautiful book his mystic-because of Vedantism – praises showered upon God form a very conspicuous part of his thoughts.
"The Revolutionary leaflet" distributed- throughout India on January 28th, 1925, was according to the prosecution story the result of his intellectual labor, Now, as is inevitable in the secret work the prominent leader expresses his own views, which are very dear to his person and the rest of the workers have to acquiesce in them-in spite of differences, which they might have. In that leaflet one full paragraph was devoted to praise the Almighty and His rejoicings and doing. That is all mysticism. What I wanted to point out was that the idea of disbelief had not even germinated in the revolutionary party. The famous Kakori martyrs –all four of them-passed their last day in prayers. Ram Prasad Bismil was an orthodox Arya Samajist. Despite his wide studies in the field of Socialism and Communism, Rajen Lahiri could not suppress his desire, of reciting hymns of the Upanishads and the Gita. I saw only one man amongst them, who never prayed and used to say, "Philosophy is the outcome of human weakness or limitation of knowledge". He is also undergoing a sentence of transportation for life. But he also never dared to deny the existence of God.
UP to that period I was only a romantic idealist revolutionary. Uptil then we were to follow. Now came the time to shoulder the whole responsibility. Due to the inevitable reaction for some time the very existence of the Party seemed impossible. Enthusiastic comrades – nay leaders – began to jeer at us. For some time I was afraid that some day I also might not be convinced of the futility of our own program. That was a turning point in my revolutionary career. "Study" was the cry that reverberated in the corridors of my mind. Study to enable yourself to face the arguments advanced by opposition. Study to arm yourself with arguments in favor of your cult. I began to study. My previous faith and convictions underwent a remarkable modification. The Romance of the violent methods alone which was so prominent amongst our predecessors, was replaced by serious ideas. No more mysticism, no more blind faith. Realism became our cult. Use of force justifiable when resorted to as a matter of terrible necessity: non-violence as policy indispensable for all mass movements. So much about methods.
The most important thing was the clear conception of the ideal for which we were to fight, As there were no important activities in the field of action I got ample opportunity to study various ideals of the world revolution. I studied Bakunin, the Anarchist leader, something of Marx the father of Communism and much of Lenin, Trotsky and others the men who had successfully carried out a revolution in their country. They were all atheists. Bakunin's "God and State", though only fragmentary, is an interesting study of the subject. Later still I came across a book entitled 'Common Sense' by Nirlamba Swami. It was only a sort of mystic atheism. This subject became of utmost interest to me. By the end of 1926 I had been convinced as to the baselessness of the theory of existence of an almighty supreme being who created, guided and controlled the universe. I had given out this disbelief of mine. I began discussion on the subjects with my friends. I had become a pronounced atheist. But, what it meant will presently be discussed.
In May 1927 I was arrested at Lahore. The arrest was a surprise. I was quite unaware of (he fact that the police wanted me. All of a sudden while passing through a garden I found myself surrounded by police. To my own surprise, I was very calm at that time. I did not feel any sensation, neither did I experience any excitement. I was taken into police custody. Next day I was taken to the Railway Police lock-up where I was to pass full one month. After many day's conversation with the Police officials I guessed that they had some information regarding my connexion with the Kakori Party and my other activities in connexion with the revolutionary movement. They told me that I had been to Lucknow while the trial was going on there, that I had negotiated a certain scheme about their rescue, that after obtaining their approval, we had procured some bombs, that by way of test one of the bombs was thrown in the crowd on the occasion of Dussehra 1926. They further informed me, in my interest, that if I could give any statement throwing some light on the activities of the revolutionary party, I was not to be imprisoned but on the contrary set free and rewarded even without being produced as an approver in the Court. I laughed at the proposal. It was all humbug.
People holding ideas like ours do not throw bombs on their own innocent people. One fine morning Mr. Newman, the then Senior Superintendent of CID., came to me. And after much sympathetic talk with me imparted-to him-the extremely sad news that if I did not give any statement as demanded by them, they would be forced to send me up for trial for conspiracy to wage war in connexion with Kakori Case and for brutal murders in connexion with Dussehra Bomb outrage. And he further informed me that they had evidence enough to get me convicted and hanged.
In those days I believed – though I was quite innocent – the police could do it if they desired. That very day certain police officials began to persuade me to offer my prayers to God regularly both the times. Now I was an atheist. I wanted to settle for myself whether it was in the days of peace and enjoyment alone that I could boast of being an atheist or whether during such hard times as well I could stick to those principles of mine. After great consideration I decided that I could not lead myself to believe in and pray to God. No, I never did. That was the real test and I came, out successful. Never for a moment did I desire to save my neck at the cost of certain other things. So I was a staunch disbeliever : and have ever since been. It was not an easy job to stand that test.
'Belief' softens the hardships, even can make them pleasant. In God man can find very strong consolation and support. Without Him, the man has to depend upon himself. To stand upon one's own legs amid storms and hurricanes is not a child's play. At such testing moments, vanity, if any, evaporates, and man cannot dare to defy the general beliefs, if he does, then we must conclude that he has got certain other strength than mere vanity. This is exactly the situation now. Judgment is already too well known. Within a week it is to be pronounced. What is the consolation with the exception of the idea that I am going to sacrifice my life for a cause ? A God-believing Hindu might be expecting to be reborn as a king, a Muslim or a Christian might dream of the luxuries to be- enjoyed in paradise and the reward he is to get for his sufferings and sacrifices. But what am I to expect? I know the moment the rope is fitted round my neck and rafters removed, from under my feet. That will be the final moment, that will be the last moment. I, or to be more precise, my soul, as interpreted in the metaphysical terminology, shall all be finished there. Nothing further.
A short life of struggle with no such magnificent end, shall in itself be the reward if I have the courage to take it in that light. That is all. With no selfish motive, or desire to be awarded here or hereafter, quite disinterestedly have I devoted my life to the cause of independence, because I could not do otherwise. The day we find a great number of men and women with this psychology who cannot devote themselves to anything else than the service of mankind and emancipation of the suffering humanity; that day shall inaugurate the era of liberty.
Not to become a king, nor to gain any other rewards here, or in the next birth or after death in paradise, shall they be inspired to challenge the oppressors, exploiters, and tyrants, but to cast off the yoke of serfdom from the neck of humanity and to establish liberty and peace shall they tread this-to their individual selves perilous and to their noble selves the only glorious imaginable-path. Is the pride in their noble cause to be – misinterpreted as vanity? Who dares to utter such an abominable epithet? To him, I say either he is a fool or a knave. Let us forgive him for he can not realize the depth, the emotion, the sentiment and the noble feelings that surge in that heart. His heart is dead as a mere lump of flesh, his eyes are-weak, the evils of other interests having been cast over them. Self-reliance is always liable to be interpreted as vanity. It is sad and miserable but there is no help.
You go and oppose the prevailing faith, you go and criticize a hero, a great man, who is generally believed to be above criticism because he is thought to be infallible, the strength of your argument shall force the multitude to decry you as vainglorious. This is due to the mental stagnation, Criticism and independent thinking are the two indispensable qualities of a revolutionary. Because Mahatamaji is great, therefore none should criticize him. Because he has risen above, therefore everything he says-may be in the field of Politics or Religion, Economics or Ethics-is right. Whether you are convinced or not you must say, "Yes, that's true". This mentality does not lead towards progress. It is rather too obviously, reactionary.
Because our forefathers had set up a faith in some supreme, being – the Almighty God – therefore any man who dares to challenge the validity of that faith, or the very existence of that supreme being, he shall have to be called an apostate, a renegade. If his arguments are too sound to be refuted by counter-arguments and spirit too strong to be cowed down by the threat of misfortunes that may befall him by the wrath of the Almighty, he shall be decried as vainglorious, his spirit to be denominated as vanity. Then why to waste time in this vain discussion? Why try to argue out the whole thing? This question is coming before the public for the first time, and is being handled in this matter of fact way for the first time, hence this lengthy discussion.
As for the first question, I think I have cleared that it is not vanity that has led me to atheism. My way of argument has proved to be convincing or not, that is to be judged by my readers, not me. I know in the present, circumstances my faith in God would have made my life easier, my burden lighter and my disbelief in Him has turned all the circumstances too dry and the situation may assume too harsh a shape. A little bit of mysticism can make it poetical. But I, do not want the help of any intoxication to meet my fate. I am a realist. I have been trying to overpower the instinct in me by the help of reason. I have not always been successful in achieving this end. But man's duty is to try and endeavor, success depends upon chance and environments.
As for the second question that if it was not vanity, then there ought to be some reason to disbelieve the old and still prevailing faith of the existence of God. Yes; I come to that now Reason there is. According to. me, any man who has got some reasoning power at his command always tries to reason out his environments. Where direct proofs are lacking philosophy occupies the important place. As I have already stated, a certain revolutionary friend used to say that Philosophy is the outcome of human weakness. When our ancestors had leisure enough to try to solve out the mystery of this world, its past, present and the future, its whys and wherefores, they having been terribly short of direct proofs, everybody tried to solve the problem in his own way. Hence we find the wide differences in the fundamentals of various religious creeds, which some times assume very antagonistic and conflicting shapes. Not only the Oriental and Occidental philosophies differ, there are differences even amongst various schools of thoughts in each hemisphere. Amongst Oriental religions, the Moslem faith is not at all compatible with Hindu faith. In India alone Buddhism and Jainism are sometimes quite separate from Brahmanism, in which there are again conflicting faiths as Arya Samaj and Sanatan Dharma. Charwak is still another independent thinker of the past ages. He challenged the authority of God in the old times. All these creeds differ from each other on the fundamental question., and everybody considers himself to be on the right. There lies the misfortune. Instead of using the experiments and expressions of the ancient Savants and thinkers as a basis for our future struggle against ignorance and to try to find out a solution to this mysterious problem, we – lethargical as we have proved to be – raise the hue and cry of faith, unflinching and unwavering faith to their versions and thus are guilty of stagnation in human progress.
Any man who stands for progress has to criticize, disbelieve and challenge every item of the old faith. Item by item he has to reason out every nook and corner of the prevailing faith. If after considerable reasoning one is led to believe in any theory or philosophy, his faith is welcomed. His reasoning can be mistaken, wrong, misled and sometimes fallacious. But he is liable to correction because reason is the guiding star of his life. But mere faith and blind faith is dangerous: it dulls the brain, and makes a man reactionary.
A man who claims to be a realist has to challenge the whole of the ancient faith. If it does not stand the onslaught of reason it crumbles down. Then the first thing for him is to shatter the whole down and clear a space for the erection of a new philosophy. This is the negative side. After it begins the positive work in which sometimes some material of the old faith may be used for the purpose of reconstruction. As far as I am concerned, let me admit at the very outset that I have not been able to study much on this point. I had a great desire to study the Oriental Philosophy but I could not get any chance or opportunity to do the same. But so far as the negative study is under discussion, I think I am convinced to the extent of questioning the soundness of the old faith. I have been convinced as to non-existence of a conscious supreme being who is guiding and directing the movements of nature. We believe in nature and the whole progressive movement aims at the domination of man over nature for his service. There is no conscious power behind it to direct. This is what our philosophy is.
As for the negative side. we ask a few questions from the 'believers'.
If, as you believe, there is an almighty, omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent God-who created the earth or world, please let me know why did he create it ? This world of woes and miseries, a veritable, eternal combination of numberless tragedies: Not a single soul being perfectly satisfied.
Pray, don't say that it is His Law: If he is bound by any law, he is not omnipotent. He is another slave like ourselves. Please don't say that it is his enjoyment. Nero burnt one Rome. He killed a very limited number of people. He created very few tragedies, all to his perfect enjoyment. And what is his place in History? By what names do the historians mention him? All the venomous epithets are showered upon him. Pages are blackened with invective diatribes condemning Nero, the tyrant, the heartless, the wicked.
One Changezkhan sacrificed a few thousand lives to seek pleasure in it and we hate the very name. Then how are you going to justify your almighty, eternal Nero, who has been, and is still causing numberless tragedies every day, every hour and every minute? How do you think to support his misdoings which surpass those of Changez every single moment? I say why did he create this world – a veritable hell, a place of constant and bitter unrest? Why did the Almighty create man when he had the power not to do it? What is the justification for all this ? Do you say to award the innocent sufferers hereafter and to punish the wrong-doers as well? Well, well: How far shall you justify a man who may dare to inflict wounds upon your body to apply a very soft and soothing liniment upon it afterwards? How far the supporters and organizers of the Gladiator Institution were justified in throwing men before the half starved furious lions to be cared for and well looked after if they could survive and could manage to escape death by the wild beasts? That is why I ask, 'Why did the conscious supreme being created this world and man in it? To seek pleasure? Where then is the difference between him and Nero'?
You Mohammadens and Christians : Hindu Philosophy shall still linger on to offer another argument. I ask you what is your answer to the above-mentioned question? You don't believe in previous birth. Like Hindus you cannot advance the argument of previous misdoings of the apparently quite innocent sufferers? I ask you why did the omnipotent labor for six days to create the world through word and each day to say that all was well. Call him today. Show him the past history. Make him study the present situation. Let us see if he dares to say, "All is well".
From the dungeons of prisons, from the stores of starvation consuming millions upon millions of human beings in slums and huts, from the exploited laborers, patiently or say apathetically watching the procedure of their blood being sucked by the Capitalist vampires, and the wastage of human energy that will make a man with the least common sense shiver with horror, and from the preference of throwing the surplus of production in oceans rather than to distribute amongst the needy producers…to the palaces of kings built upon the foundation laid with human bones.... let him see all this and let him say "All is well".
Why and wherefore? That is my question. You are silent.
All right then, I proceed. Well, you Hindus, you say all the present sufferers belong to the class of sinners of the previous births. Good. You say the present oppressors were saintly people in their previous births, hence they enjoy power. Let me admit that your ancestors were very shrewd people, they tried to find out theories strong enough to hammer down all the efforts of reason and disbelief. But let us analyze how far this argument can really stand.
From the point of view of the most famous jurists punishment can be justified only from three or four ends to meet which it is inflicted upon the wrongdoer. They are retributive, reformative and deterrent. The retributive theory is now being condemned by all the advanced thinkers. Deterrent theory is also following the same fate. Reformative theory is the only one which is essential, and indispensable for human progress. It aims at returning the offender as a most competent and a peace-loving citizen to the society. But what is the nature of punishment inflicted by God upon men even if we suppose them to be offenders. You say he sends them to be born as a cow, a cat, a tree, a herb or a best. You enumerate these punishments to be 84 lakhs. I ask you what is its reformative effect upon man? How many men have met you who say that they were born as a donkey in previous birth for having committed any sin? None. Don't quote your Puranas. I have no scope to touch your mythologies. Moreover do you know that the greatest sin in this world is to be poor. Poverty is a sin, it is a punishment.
I ask you how far would you appreciate a criminologist, a jurist or a legislator who proposes such measures of punishment which shall inevitably force man to commit more offences? Had not your God thought of this or he also had to learn these things by experience, but at the cost of untold sufferings to be borne by humanity? What do you think shall be the fate of a man who has been born in a poor and illiterate family of say a chamar or a sweeper. He is poor, hence he cannot study. He is hated and shunned by his fellow human beings who think themselves to be his superiors having been born in say a higher caste. His ignorance, his poverty and the treatment meted out to him shall harden his heart towards society. Suppose he commits a sin, who shall bear the consequences? God, he or the learned ones of, the society? What about the punishment of those people who were deliberately kept ignorant by the haughty and egotist Brahmans and who had to pay the penalty by bearing the stream of being led (not lead) in their ears for having heard a few sentences of your Sacred Books of learning-the Vedas? If they committed any offence-who was to be responsible for them and who was to bear the brunt? My dear friends: These theories are the inventions of the privileged ones: They justify their usurped power, riches and superiority by the help of these theories. Yes: It was perhaps Upton Sinclair, that wrote at some place, that just make a man a believer in immortality and then rob him of all his riches, and possessions. He shall help you even in that ungrudgingly. The coalition amongst the religious preachers and possessors of power brought forth jails, gallows, knouts and these theories.
I ask why your omnipotent God, does not stop every man when he is committing any sin or offence? He can do it quite easily. Why did he not kill war lords or kill the fury of war in them and thus avoid the catastrophe hurled down on the head of humanity by the Great War? Why does he not just produce a certain sentiment in the mind of the British people to liberate India? Why does he not infuse the altruistic enthusiasm in the hearts of all capitalists to forgo their rights of personal possessions of means of production and thus redeem the whole laboring community – nay the whole human society from the bondage of Capitalism. You want to reason out the practicability of socialist theory, I leave it for your almighty to enforce it.
People recognize the merits of socialism in as much as the general welfare is concerned. They oppose it under the pretext of its being impracticable. Let the Almighty step in and arrange everything in an orderly fashion. Now don't try to advance round about arguments, they are out of order. Let me tell you, British rule is here not because God wills it but because they possess power and we do not dare to oppose them. Not that it is with the help of God that they are keeping us under their subjection but it is with the help of guns and rifles, bomb and bullets, police and millitia and our apathy that they are successfully committing the most deplorable sin against society- the outrageous exploitation of one nation by another. Where is God ? What is he doing? Is he enjoying all I these woes of human race ? A Nero; A Changez : Down with him.
Do you ask me how I explain the origin of this world and origin of man? Alright I tell you. Charles Darwin has tried to throw some light on the subject. Study him. Read Soham Swami's "Commonsense". It shall answer your question to some extent. This is a phenomenon of nature. The accidental mixture of different substances in the shape of nebulae produced this earth. When? Consult history. The same process produced animals and in the long run man. Read Darwin's 'Origin of Species'. And all the later progress is due to man's constant conflict with nature and his efforts to override it. This is the briefest possible explanation of this phenomenon.
Your other argument may be just to ask why a child is born blind or lame if not due to his deeds committed in the previous birth? This problem has been explained away by biologists as a more biological phenomenon. According to them the whole burden rests upon the shoulders of the parents who may be conscious or ignorant of their own deeds led to mutilation of the child previous to its birth.
Naturally you may ask another question though it is quite childish in essence. If no God existed, how did the people come to believe in him? My answer is clear and brief. As they came to believe in ghosts, and evil spirits; the only difference is that belief in God is almost universal and the philosophy well developed. Unlike certain of the radicals I would not attribute its origin to the ingenuity of the exploiters who wanted to keep the people under their subjection by preaching the existence of a supreme being and then claiming an authority and sanction from him for their privileged positions. Though I do not differ with them on the essential point that all faiths, religions, creeds and such other institutions became in turn the mere supporters of the tyrannical and exploiting institutions, men and classes. Rebellion against king is always a sin according to every religion.
As regards the origin of God my own idea is that having realized the limitations of man, his weaknesses and shortcoming having been taken into consideration, God was brought into imaginary existence to encourage man to face boldly all the trying circumstances, to meet all dangers manfully and to check and restrain his outbursts in prosperity and affluence. God both with his private laws and parental generosity was imagined and painted in greater details. He was to serve as a deterrent factor when his fury and private laws were discussed so that man may not become a danger to society. He was to serve as a father, mother, sister and brother, friend and helpers when his parental qualifications were to be explained. So that when man be in great distress having been betrayed and deserted by all friends he may find consolation in the idea that an ever true friend was still there to help him, to support him and that He was almighty and could do anything. Really that was useful to the society in the primitive age.
The idea of God is helpful to man in distress.
Society has to fight out this belief as well as was fought the idol worship and the narrow conception of religion. Similarly, when man tries to stand on his own legs, and become a realist he shall have to throw the faith aside, and to face manfully all the distress, trouble, in which the circumstances may throw him. That is exactly my state of affairs. It is not my vanity, my friends. It is my mode of thinking that has made me an atheist. I don't know whether in my case belief in God and offering of daily prayers which I consider to be most selfish and degraded act on the part of man, whether these prayers can prove to be helpful or they shall make my case worse still. I have read of atheists facing all troubles quite boldly, so am I trying to stand like a man with an erect head to the last; even on the gallows.
Let us see how I carry on : one friend asked me to pray. When informed of my atheism, he said, "During your last days you will begin to believe". I said, No, dear Sir, it shall not be. I will think that to be an act of degradation and demoralization on my part. For selfish motives I am not going to pray. Readers and friends, "Is this vanity"? If it is, I stand for it.
– Bhagat Singh (1930)June 18, 2002

Ram ?!

I find the questions that MK has raised about Ram's existence very interesting ( in the wake of having recently seen parts of the movie 'periyar', known for his , so called, 'black shirt movement' and his mockery of the concept of God and the practice of using God as a pretext for social disriminations that were prevalent then, on kalaingar tv, launched on this sep 15.) . And i hope these qsns, that MK has raised, wld initiate a healthy debate between the believers and the non-believers and lead to a more enlightened public.

Took Mom out to another movie, 'sathumpodathey'. This time we had my br and his wife for company. I wld say that the movie was a pretty decent effort to showcase a subject that invites discomfort wen normally discussed in public and often relegated to a self-hating mind in some dark corner of a closed room - unmindful alcohol consumption and its effect on one's psyche and socialising. Vasanth, the dir., has reaffirmed his ablity to win over the modest home-maker, as was evident in the case of my mother, with his simple narrative with 'interesting' knots spaced thru out at placed at points wen u r jus abt to lose interest.

Monday, September 17, 2007

common sense is not common

It jus occured to me, that one should experience 'getting drunk' atleast once to know wat it means to be in the influence of something.

Since the last time i wrote on this blog,.... let me see if i can i tell u wat has been happening with me. Firstly, there was this grl who i meet in orkut, she impresses me and i think i cld have a intellectual relationship with her. 'intellectual relationship/ dialogue' can be defined as something that is devoid of the misgivings of 'feelings', ego, complexes,... etc and a pure dialogue that is confined to reason. Such a dialogue/ relation i find is very rare .

Believing i had found someone with whom i cld have such a relation and taking her reasons for granted, i shared with her a comment abt her appearance , that occured to me. Unfortunately, she reacted. I found myself again at the receiving end for being too unsuspecting. As usual i took some lessons frm the incident.

I have always thot i had some 'diseased part'/ limitation in my mind that often led me into this vicious cycle of attraction for a grl and the pain and the dejection ensuing it. I think i have now come closer to curing it. To me curing something in the mind means just to understand the problem and its cause. For, a mind once expanded cant shrink. I think i have come closer to that.

i think the cure lies in pruning the mind of any influences that have creeped in over the yrs.

On sunday, attended 3i's exam. Thot it was a stupid exam. An impossible 150 qsns in 90 mins. I attended around 90 qsns, i wld have required atleast another half an hour to read thru the rest of the paper.

got to spend the weekend with parents.we went to 'Marudhamalai' movie, hoping it wld be a vadivelu show and we cld have a hearty laugh, but it was a stupid movie and all the good parts of the movie had been shown in the trailer. That was all and ther was nothing in it to salvage our time and money.

I discovered a treasure trove of videos of my fav prog 'walk the talk' in ndtv' site. Was glad to listen to all those illuminaries. Jus as anu is good at bringing out and showcasing her guest's charisma, Shekahar is good at bringing out their intellect or passions or reasons as the case may be.

I enjoyed listening to craig barret's 'ceo-like' speech, adnan sami's love for his son and his father, sanjay datt's rehab story, bala saheb's 'drunk' talk, Thom's india- phile- ness, and the eloquence with which he speaks abt dveloping economies and his ideas, Raghuram rajan's 'IMF' brain, Ustad amjad ali khan's class, n.gopalswami's abt his biz of running elexns in india, E. sreedharan's talk and feat was encouraging/ inspiring/ trend-setting, Subrata roy's story of rising frm the rags to build the sahara empire, karan and how he sounds like a yng entrprnr who is into films,..... etc. I am only cocerned that all those videos are gonna show up in my bb usage and result in a fat bil, so i m trying to confine it to watching the videos during the prd usage is free.l.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

medicine sans knwldg...

My brother, who celebrated his fst wedding anniv. the day before, met with an accident s'day. ( claimed to be bcos of thrushti). He was hit by an autorickshaw, which was overtaking him on chamiers road. He fell down with his bike, which bcos of inertia, he was travelling at 40- 50 kmph., dragged him across the rd. He was spared with sustaining a few bruises, saved by his helmet and shoe.

The auto hit and escaped. the number was not noted so a case cld not be filed. It is a farce that u have to amidst all that pain and tension will have to worry abt filing a complaint, failing which things cld be turned against u bcos of the delay.

My brother was rushed to a nearby hosp'l. by the onlookers. I should thank those humane ppl who happen to be at such places who care to attend to the injured while the mad crwd is more obssessed with itself.

After he gained some energy, he managed to call us and let us knw. His in-laws rushed at took charge/ care of him. Now that he was in safe hands we did not hear anything frm them. My mother was upset that her sentiments were not respected and that his in-laws had taken her son away frm her.... issues took a diffnt turn now. I cld only stand-by and laugh at wat was happening.

Finally we got to see him and were relieved that he had sustained only a few bruises. My mother had to be convinced abt wat happened during the brief prd, wen the in-laws had taken chrg.

I got an oppurtunity to attend to some of his injuries. I was happy that i finally had got an oppurtunity to spend some quality time with my br.. Ever since he fell in luv during his collg days, he become a sort of outsider, we lost the old intimacy and innocence.

I checked out some of the medicine, that was prescribed and their functionality , using google. Found the process very educative and thot evryone shld endeavor to knw abt the medicine they take and its fuctionality before they take it. let me jus share info abt a few chemicals that i learnt abt.

There was on tablet that had 3 chemicals: acelofenac, paracetamol and serratiopeptidase. All the three chemical had their own mechanism of healing inflamation. lets find out how.

Firstly, Aceclofenac belongs to a group of medicines called non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs). It works by blocking the action of a substance in the body called cyclo-oxygenase. Cyclo-oxygenase is involved in the production of various chemicals in the body, some of which are known as prostaglandins. Prostaglandins are produced in response to injury or certain diseases and would otherwise go on to cause pain, swelling and inflammation. Arthritic conditions are one example of this. Aceclofenac is used to relieve pain and inflammation in arthritic conditions. All the medicines in this group reduce inflammation caused by the body's own immune system and are effective pain killers. ( courtesy:

Interesting, r8?

Now abt paracetamol- Paracetamol is a medicine used in the treatment of mild to moderate pain. It is also useful for reducing fever. It is not fully understood how paracetamol produces these effects. Paracetamol can be used to reduce pain and fever associated with conditions such as headaches, toothache, teething, post-vaccination fevers and symptoms of colds and flu.

And finally, abt serratiopeptidase, Serratiopeptidase is a proteolytic enzyme derived from bacteria. It specifically digests the Bradykinins and fibrin formed in the process of inflammation and hence acts as an anti- inflammatory agent. Used in the treatment of various diseases caused by inflammation. ( )

So u should now know how exactly do the medicines administered to u work upon u to get u cured. While learning abt these , u can also learn abt some catches like: Paracetamol, since its like a alcohol, shld not be given to a person with weak liver and such....

While further looking into the prescription, found out that these anti inflamatory drugs may cause peptic ulcer and that ther was a tablet included to prevent this. That tab contained ranitidine, whch works as follows:

Ranitidine is one of a group of medicines known as H2-receptor antagonists. It acts by blocking histamine receptors which are present on the cells in the stomach lining. Normally a substance called histamine binds to these receptors. Histamine is a chemical produced throughout the body and has many effects. When histamine binds to H2 receptors on cells in the stomach lining, it causes them to produce acid. Ranitidine binds to H2 receptors, replacing some of the histamine. As a result, the amount of stomach acid produced by these cells is decreased. Stomach acid is present as a normal part of the digestive process. If large amounts of stomach acid are produced this can cause the pain in the abdomen commonly known as indigestion. The excess acid may also flow back into the food pipe (oesophagus) causing pain and a burning sensation known as heartburn. Normally the lining of the stomach and duodenum (an area of the intestine directly after the stomach) have a protective layer which resists acid attack. If this layer is damaged, or large amounts of stomach acid are formed, a peptic ulcer can develop. Ranitidine decreases the amount of acid in the stomach and duodenum. As a result, ranitidine helps relieve the symptoms of indigestion and aids the healing of ulcers. It is also used to depress acid production in various other conditions. ( )

Hope that was educative and u wld take this interesting ( ? )lesson with u.

Staging a show

This sep 11, was my br's fst wedding anniv. ( so was soorya- jo's). Neither i nor my father are good at conducting functions. For we both always tend to shy away and keep a low profile. We like the cermonies to be less noisy and more joyful. So it was only expected that neither of us took the initiative to celebrate the occsn. My mother ,thankfully, took the initiative by fst making the proposal and by bringing it up in such a manner that father wld react in a condescending manner.

I suggested thins like getting to-gether in the beach or going to mahabalipuram. My mother instead insisted on booking a party hall, and arranging some dinner and thus celebrating the evening. She had the final say. Booked a hall she had in mind, that she had visited on some other occsn.And the we Ordered for a cake from a bakery. That was all we had done till the evning of sep 11, apart frm calling evryone and inviting them and bothering to reach the hall erly.

I felt it was very bad way to stage a show. it was very obvious to all of us that the hall did not look inviting at all, the spirit was missing. The hall was jus a big rooom with some chairs laid out. There was a stage. and on one side of the hall the food was laid out. We had some time left to turn things arnd.

one of our relatives, who does screen printing for his business ofered to make one for the function. That banner, with the couples name and the occsn printed, arrived. We pinned that to the screen in the backdrop of the stage. Bought some balloons frm a hawker in a nearby bus stop and tied them on the to back-drop. Now the the look changed a lot and was more suited to the occsn.

A table lying in the corner , probably abandoned bcos of a broken leg , was put on the stage and covered with a silk cloth, that was again lying in a corner, abandoned but good for the purpose. And the cake was laid on it.

All this was done in a few mins. It was revealing to me to discover how a little effort could turn things arnd.

Missing the BIG picture

I have this habit of sitting and thinking abt something that worries me. ( i find it similar to my brain washing exercise before i 'took the plunge' . refer my blog archive) I have been doing more of that in the recent past. I tend to mull over something until i understand it or see light thru it. In the past few days i have been mulling over wat mistake i am doing. I have the feeling that i m doing something wrong. Usually after a hiatus of such mulling over, i wld end up discovering some new truth abt myself and wld venture to start fresh on my journey equipped with this new found truth. In this entry i propose to share with u some such findings that occured to me recently.

I have found that i have always missed the big picture, while losing myself to smaller details. When i look back at my life, from the time i have been able to think i feel i find this pattern predominant. wen i look back , i only remember very small details like visiting some plc or meeting some person, the grls, reading something, seeing something, learning something new, ...etc.. It is like, wen i look back at the path i have travelled, i see only some trees and shrubs amidst an otherwise wiped out tract of forest. That probably is bcos i have lacked a contiguity of purpose or say a bigger goal for life. I have been more of living my life for the moment for some time now.

A second probable reason for this wiped out tract, i find out, is that i have always set my eyes on something other than wat i was actually into. For ex., wen i was in my hr sec, i had my eyes set on the entrance exams (AIIMS), rather than the curricula and ended up doing justice to neither. Wen i was in engg , i had my eyes set on cse, ending up with the same result. Wen i was preparing for cse, my eyes were set on 'reforming' myself into a 'complete person'. Wen i was working, i worked with the mindset that this was only a temporary phase and ended up again not doing full justice to my job and only degenerating myself.

Hope i make amends.

Sunday, September 9, 2007


Watched/ gaped at , listend to Sherin in Koffee with Anu and was quite bowled over by her.
These days, i have actually grown found of Anu's show and have started to look fwd to it. She has the tact of making the show very interesting and bring the charisma out of the guests and show case it.
This week's show brought together 4 young and budding artists- sherin, nanda, madhumitha and ramana. When there is youth, beauty is always present galore and this show was no exception. Nanda , looked sombre at times, tho.
The heartening thing abt this show, to me, was to hear these actors speak a lot of sense and speak in a very sensible manner. it made me very happy to think that such sensible people were also there in the cinema world ,which is otherwise cosidered full of dud ppl, ofcourse with a few towering exceptions.

Friday, September 7, 2007


Jus watched Ammuvagiya naan. Went to the movie with quite a few expectattions.

From the reviews, came to know that this was a movie abt a prostitute and a writer. That was enuf to trigger my interest. Given the not so good circumstances at home, it was not the best thing to go for this movie. But still cld not contain my interest and eagerness to find out how the two charecters had been woven into a story. For, i could imagine interesting possiblities and plots that could give way to a very subtle but poignant movie. ( i would count Oleana, Ponniyan selvan, as examples for subtle but poignant movies) So i was eagerly looking fwd to see wat shape had actually materialised in the form of this movie.

Tho the movie did not live upto my expectations ( as does anything), it did not disaapoint. It, rather, was a different approach, quite a normal one i wld say, for my standards of expectation. Watching the movie was like reading a decently written book.

The fst few pages, u come to know of wat kind of a life a prostitute lives. And then u have to digest wat a 'born' prostitute wld be like. And then u find out/discover wat wld a marriage mean to her. Then u find her slowly learning wat the marriage does to her and wat she has unsuspectingly accepted is doing to her and she learns to 'live' her life as a married woman and she gradually begins to like this life and the calm and peace in it. And towards the last few pages u find out how a demon frm her past comes to haunt her new found peace and how she handles this challenge.

Thats how i felt at the end of the movie. There were times wen i felt the book was gd to read in the sense it was handling a very sensitive subject of the 'born' prostitute. It was a disturbing but a refreshing thing to find out how such a person wld think. The other charecters r, tho, very predictable and so is the story line, beyond a point. And that makes u, at some point, count how many more pages r left.

The role of the writer could have been given more energy and life, that wld have in turn given the story line a lot of life.

Bharathi, who plays Ammu, stands out and wld leave an impression in every viewers mind. The director should be credited for not having pictured any of the 'in-bed' scenes in a manner causing uneasiness to the viewers.

Ammuvagiya naan is a decently written book, sorry made movie, abt a sensitive subject, given tamil cinemas formulae-ism.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Luciano Pavarotti
Il principe ignoto
Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma! Tu pure, o Principessa,
nella tua fredda stanza
guardi le stelle
che tremano d'amore e di speranza...
Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me,
il nome mio nessun saprà!
No, no, sulla tua bocca lo dirò,
quando la luce splenderà!
Ed il mio bacio scioglierà il silenzio
che ti fa mia.
Voci di donne
Il nome suo nessun saprà...
E noi dovrem, ahimè, morir, morir!
Il principe ignoto
Dilegua, o notte! Tramontate, stelle!
Tramontate, stelle! All'alba vincerò!
Vincerò! Vincerò!

Translated from the score.:

The Prince :Nobody shall sleep!... Nobody shall sleep! Even you, o Princess, in your cold room, watch the stars, that tremble with love and with hope.But my secret is hidden within me, my name no one shall know... No!...No!... On your mouth I will tell it when the light shines.And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!...
The Chorus of women: No one will know his name and we must, alas, die.
The Prince: Vanish, o night! Set, stars! Set, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

All that time is lost which might be better employed.

Money is the seed of money, and the first guinea is sometimes more difficult to acquire than the second million.

Man is born free; and everywhere he is in chains.

The very right to vote imposes on me the duty to instruct myself in public affair, however little influence my voice may have in them.

As soon as any man says of the affairs of the State "What does it matter to me?" the State may be given up for lost.

Everything is good as it leaves the hands of the author of things, everything degenerates in the hands of man.'

Men, be kind to your fellow-men; this is your first duty, kind to every age and station, kind to all that is not foreign to humanity. What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?

The happiest is he who suffers least; the most miserable is he who enjoys least.

Nature never deceives us; it is always we who deceive ourselves.

Our passions are the chief means of self-preservation; to try to destroy them is therefore as absurd as it is useless

Provided a man is not mad, he can be cured of every folly but vanity

Blushes are the sign of guilt; true innocence is ashamed of nothing.

Shall we say that the gospel story is the work of the imagination? My friend, such things are not imagined; and the doings of Socrates, which no one doubts, are less well attested than those of Jesus Christ. At best, you only put the difficulty from you; it would be still more incredible that several persons should have agreed together to invent such a book, than that there was one man who supplied its subject matter

He who knows enough of things to value them at their true worth never says too much; for he can also judge of the attention bestowed on him and the interest aroused by what he says. People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little

A man says what he knows, a woman says what will please; the one needs knowledge, the other taste; utility should be the man's object; the woman speaks to give pleasure. There should be nothing in common but truth.

It is too difficult to think nobly when one thinks only of earning a living.

Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken.

Those that are most slow in making a promise are the most faithful in the performance of it.

To live is not merely to breathe: it is to act; it is to make use of our organs, senses, faculties — of all those parts of ourselves which give us the feeling of existence.

Virtue is a state of war, and to live in it we have always to combat with ourselves.

We should not teach children the sciences; but give them a taste for them.

Yeh dosthi...

This janmashtami, sep 4, was a day i got to meet up with one of my collg mates. We had decide to meet at sathyamcinemas. There was the usaual elation that u feel in meeting someone after a long time and then the comments abt changes in appearence. One thing that amazed me was the ease with which we settled down quickly, in a few mins we were back to collg times, it was as if there had nvr been a gap. i love this ease with which i can be with some ppl. This guy was one of them.

And then, over lunch, we were talking abt wat all those guys ,whom we knew of .were upto..., who all were married, where were they, which of them had children and all that, we got to call some guys frm the other's number and show-off to them that we were together..... some means of a virtual get-together. We still had some time to go for the movie to start. Bwn spencer plaza and citi cntr, decided for citicntr, with hopes of getting a ticket in inox. Then there was the joy of a ride in bike with a long time friend in the pillion to citi cntr.

spent some time at landmark in citi cntr amidts books. i always love to be among books, here u have music as a bonus aswell. After wandering abt all the book shelves jus familiarising myself with the whereabts of some of my fav books and topics settled down near western phil section and recounted that i was able to relate to ralph waldo emerson's essays and henry david thoreau's life in 'walden'. came across rosseau's 'confessions', which i had recently read abt in a article talking abt mother theresa's 'criss of faith' (come, be my light)

And then settled down for a book on word power ( norman lewis), for i believe i cld use btr wrds accordng to the context. looked for a book that wld make me more comfortable with numbers, but cld not find any. i believe cat is all abt testing how well r u comfortable with numbers, words and data. i also bought a copy of 'the prophet ' by khalil gibran, for i felt i wanted to have a book that i can resort to reading in bits and pieces wenever i got time.

While in the mall, i was surprised that i was not gaping at all those b'ful grls. i behaved well, surprising myself. prbably i have jus started believing that i was bttr off leaving them alone. prbbly i had sat under some 'bodhi' tree ,that has sent things into my head telling me 'desire was the root cause of all ills'!!!!!! Alas!, Buddha has some one to subscribe to his teachings.

Got tickets for RGV's AAG. i ventured to go for that movie, tho i had heard that the initial reviews of the movie gave it a bad score, bcos i wanted to have a feel of a RGV movie (tho i have seen rangeela, i saw it only for urmila's tanaha tanaha and hare rama, in particular i, then, wanted to see if she had any briefs on, when she sits on jackie's shoulders in the tanaha song, that much for my adolescence).. For, there has been so much hype abt his movies and i felt that ther was certnly something promising abt him. I went for the movie, however, knowing wat to expect from my memories of Rangeela (beyond tanaha) and some scenes of sathya that i have seen.

Yes, the movie fails in many senses like many charecters fail to impress, songs cld have been more catchy and such stuff, but it does not fail to be an entertainer, provided u knw that u r watching a remake of sholay (1975),which ,wiki says , is the biggest hit among indian movies, and that u knw that u r watching RGV's direxn. I was only admiring RGV's role in the movie thru out.
Ofcourse, AB stands out. And Nisha kothari , impressed me as well. As soon as i came back, i consulted wiki jus to find out more abt this grl. That, she is RGV's latest protege, was evident in the movie. the way she was directed in the movie, brought back memories of urmila's performance in rangeela. it was like giving her more screen space and letting her do the damage to vulnerable hearts, tho i m not sure if she can do a damage as gr8 as urmila did.
reading abt aag in wiki, took me to learning more abt RGV, nisha kothrai, sholay, darmendra (or dharm singh deol or dilawar khan,( his Nikahnama (marriage document) which clearly said that Dilawar Khan Kewal Krishn (44 years) accepted Aisha Bi R. Chakravarty (29 years) as his wife on 21 August 1979 at a mehr of, Rs 111,000 in the presence of two legal witnesses…’ The nikah was solemnised by Maulana Qazi Abu Talha Misbahi Faizabadi. He had to convert to islam to marrry hema bcos Hindu religion did not permit him to marrry a second time wen his fst wif prakash kaur was still alive) which finally led me into listening 'yeh dosthi..'
I shld also mention abt the spl effects in inox. the effects are so good that the sound seems to reverbrate at the back of ur head ( or do they have any spkrs fitted in the chair).

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Blind dates

I jus watched parts of a movie ( amidst intervening power cuts and mother's objections, bcos there were some sensual scenes wenever she passed by) 'At first Sight'.

Its the story of a blind man's world, his intricate feelings, and ablities and the lessons therein for lesser beings like us.

I have watched one other movie with a similar context, 'Butterflies are free', the similarity ends ther. BaF was more like a stage drama, staged within 4 walls for the most of it and its strength was its dialogues and their delivery by the charecters who played in it.

AFS has some of those goodies and it has the luxury of being shot on outdoor locations.

wat i like abt these movies is the sharp ablities , the feeling of elation that they exhibit wen they really feel something, the feeling of sadness at being treated with pity, the sensitivity, the love and the gentleness that the protaganists in these movies exhibit, for these r a few charecters i share with them in varying degrees. i sort of feel heart filled when i see them be loved.

there r some lines, as usaula, i wld like to take fwd with me and share with u.

"I forget about the lights sometimes. ", that line tuched me. that, the char says wen he has regained vision and is found sitting in complete darkness.

But I realized that our eyes aren't what make us see. We only live in darkness when we don't look - look at what is genuine about ourselves - genuine about others - you don't need eyes for that. ..towards the end of the movie ..., some kind of message in it,huh ?

quotes form BAF are aplenty that i wld like to share with u, to blogging space, let me give u alink to some of those quotes...., if they interset, which they surely will, go grab the movie and watch it, no bettter way to appreciate it, wat ya say?

check out :

Season of marriages

The last week of Aug saw a flurry of marriages. Most of my friends , school mates and collg mates, were getting married. These r the few thots that crossed my mind wen i attended or was invited for these marriages...

"so, wen is ur marriage?.." ... Oh! my dear, wer r u......?, don't let these guys ask me any more of that qsn.... come and show up in frnt of me... pls.

"how wld i plan my mrg?, wat a kind of affair wld my mrg be like"... i jus dont like posing for camera. i could not even stand those few mins in front of those flash lights , while i was on the stage to shake hands with the couple and posing for a pic. I wish i have enuf say in my mrg to make it a very simple affair.

when i was sitting ther looking at the couple , i was laughing at my frens for they had already learnt to wear a fake smile jus for the sake photographs and had already learnt to stand the glare of those flash L8s.

Hi September

Hi September,

before i knew u were ther , u have already counted 1. Anyway, i found time atleast now to say hi to u. I am looking forward to ur days, ur seconds to bless me with a lot of beautiful experiences.

Firstly, i hope not to fall for a grl who wld not bother to even say hi to me. For, wen i look back ( i was reading my blog archive) i m disturbed to find myself carry pain , all the while . i hope , i find a solution to that problem of mine.

I hope i learn more new things and gain a lot of positive energy. I wish i see more of the world and meet lot of positive ppl and learn something frm them all the way... i wish i grow stronger and closer to being worthy of this world.

bye. love, s.v.sagar.

Taking the plunge

I jus want to record how i saw myself struggling to do something, all my cowardice or watever , my handicappedness, my body's refusal to follow my mind, and all that uncovered and laid bare...... ....

i saw myself spending minutes together trying to make up my mind to do it..... trying to tell myself that doing it would not hurt me,... that it wld be over in a few seconds,.. that so many other ppl do it with so much ease,... that not to think of it and jus do it ... i was trying to convince my brain, reasoning it out , but after all that, when i was all set with my brain and about to do it, i wld find i was in no better state than wen i started.Then, i wld start all over again trying to reason it out ,this time in a different manner, only to discoveragain that i was in no better position to do it again .After many such ordeals finally deciding i am not up to it and walking away,... I wen thru this ordeal for two days.

I managed not to think abt my failure and the fact that my incapacity was laid so very bare for everyone to see , i manged to not to let those thots come in to me. for, if i had let them rise they wld have eaten me up by making me feel very bad.

After 2 days of suppressing those thots i finally got a chance to kill those feelings, by winning. yes , i fought that incapacity and won it. s, i did it!

I always knew that the means to winning over 'it' was not in reasoning it out with my mind but in seeing someone do it and drawing inspiration frm it. So, i got a chance to see someone do it, then i decided. ok, now i am going to win it over. This time again, when i was abt to do it, i failed again.

Now, i did not want to waste time reasoning it out. I told myself i was only a few mins away from winning that inhibition over and doing it. i knew i jus did not want to brk the jinx in one step. i knew it was jus a matter of doing it in some gradually increasing levels of difficulty. so i jus lowered the level of difficulty to the lowest level and did it, s, did it. Then i promoted myself to the next level of difficulty, and did it again. Then, i walked bravely to the hst level of difficulty, this time knowing that i was not gonig to walk back, i was sure that i was going to do it this time , and i was showing my new found confidence off for everyone to see, tho no one actually was bothered. i was congratulating myself, already. i was exuding pride and celebrating already. And i did it!

i was very happpy at how i had discovered some weakling in me and fought with it, managed to find a solution and actually see myself grow stronger. It was a revelation to me. My exaltation knew no bounds.

Oh!, well, haven't i told u wat was that 'it',... well, 'it' was about diving into the swimming pool. Tho i had no problem jumping into the pool,.. i jus could not get myself to dive, my legs wld jus not move.....